Dear Ego.. Draga Ego

EN: Ego Gets The Boot: Letter Found On Kitchen Table

Dear Ego,

I’m breaking up with you. No more circular discussions, no more eleventh hour recriminations. We’re through.

This is not an emotional decision. Actually, it doesn’t feel like a decision at all. We’ve been drifting apart for some time now, and more than anything I’m just acknowledging the distance between us. Whatever kept us together just isn’t there anymore.

It won’t do you any good to turn on the charm. Don’t bother trying to fill my head with thoughts about how great we are together or how lost I’ll be without you. You no longer have that kind of power over me. I see right through you now. I look, and there’s nothing there.

It took me a long time to figure you out. Like so many unhappy couples I know, we drifted into our own little world and for the longest time I mistook it for reality. If you asked me to pinpoint the day this shift occurred, I couldn’t, because it happened so long ago. But I vaguely remember what life was like before I met you. Actually, it’s more a feeling than a memory, a feeling of freedom. Not an “I-have-a-whole-weekend-in-front-of-me-with-no-plans” kind of freedom, but something different altogether. It’s more a sense of spaciousness, the kind children must feel before their heads become filled with worldly nonsense, before their sense of wonder contracts, before they begin to imitate the behavior of the troubled souls around them.

I can feel that sense of spaciousness right now when I close my eyes and forget that I have a body. It’s like I’m not even a person anymore, I’m just this space that goes on forever.

I don’t expect any of this makes sense to you. It never has before. You always have to define things, slot them into categories. But this isn’t something that is easily explained. It’s beyond words– I know, I know, you hate it when I talk like this, when I challenge your rigid view of things. You slip into this really pouty silence.

In the old days I misinterpreted that silence. I felt wrong, even a little crazy, for expressing myself. Now that silence tells me something totally different. It tells me that I threaten you. And it tells me something else, something really important. It tells me that I’m capable of living on my own. When your voice dies away, my voice appears. It’s just there. It’s probably been there the whole the time, but you were always drowning it out. It’s a clear voice. And strong. I’m going to be just fine without you.

My friends think I’m crazy. They wonder what I’m going to do without you. They’ve seen what happens when we’re together, the crazy highs and lows, the bizarre behavior, but they still question my decision. This really throws me until I remind myself what it was like to live in an unhealthy relationship. The worst part is you don’t think it’s unhealthy. You’re convinced that it’s perfectly okay to be miserable all the time. Month after month, year after year, you think – it’ll get better. We’ll work this out. But it doesn’t get better. It can’t. Sick relationships like ours don’t get better, they just get sicker.

It’s a small world and no doubt we’ll be running into each other a bunch. I guess it’s more like “see you around” then it is “goodbye”. As long as we maintain a proper distance, we’ll be fine. I need to be far enough away from you to hear my own voice. I actually wouldn’t mind your company once in a while, like when I’m fixing the sink or packing for a trip. We’ve always gotten along pretty well in those situations. But this time around, you’ll need an invitation. You can’t just come barging in. You don’t live here anymore.

Please pack up your stuff and leave your key on the table. When I come home later, all I want to hear is the sound of you being gone. I’m going to lose myself in the spacious silence, forget where I begin and end. You said something to me once. You said I’d be nothing without you. Remember? Well, I want to end this on a positive note by telling you that you were right. Without you, I am nothing. Nothing at all. If it weren’t for all the hell I went through because of you, I’d have never arrived at that momentous conclusion. So thank you, even if you have no clue about what I just said.

Love always

RO: Ego-ului i s-au dat papucii: Scrisoare gasita pe masa de bucatarie

Draga Ego,

Ma despart de tine. S-a terminat cu discutiile in jurul cozii, cu acuzatiile de la ora 11. S-a sfarsit.

Aceasta nu este o decizie emotionala. De fapt nu o simt defel ca o decizie. Relatia noastra a fost in deriva de ceva timp si, mai mult ca oricand, imi dau seama de distanta dintre noi. Ceea ce ne-a tinut impreuna pana acum pur si simplu nu mai este acolo. 

Nu iti va fi de nici un ajutor sa faci iar pe fermecatorul. Nu te obosi incercand sa imi umpli capul cu ganduri despre cat de bine ne statea impreuna sau cat de pierduta voi fi fara tine. Nu mai ai acest tip de putere asupra mea. Vad prin tine acum. Ma uit si nu e nimic acolo.

Mi-a luat mult timp pentru a te da afara. Precum atat de multe cupluri nefericite pe care le cunosc am plutit in deriva in propria noastra lume mica si pentru un timp indelungat am confundat-o cu realitatea. Daca mi-ai cere sa identific ziua cand a avut loc aceasta schimbare, nu as putea sa ti-o zic pentru ca s-a intamplat cu mult timp in urma. Dar imi amintesc vag cum era viata inainte de a te fi intalnit. De fapt, e mai mult un sentiment decat o amintire, un sentiment de libertate. Nu este acel tip de libertate stil "am-un-sfarsit-de-saptamana-intreg-in-fata-mea-fara-nici-un-plan", ci ceva cu totul diferit. E mai mult un sentiment de spatialitate, probabil cum se simt copii inainte ca mintea lor sa fie umpluta cu tot felul de prostii lumesti, inainte ca uimirea lor sa se contracte, inainte de a incepe sa imite comportamentul sufletelor tulburi din jurul lor.

Pot sa simt acel sentiment de spatialitate, chiar acum cand imi inchid ochii si uit ca am un corp. Este ca si cum nici nu mai sunt o persoana, sunt doar acest spatiu care se misca in continuu.

Nu ma astept ca nimic din cele scrise de mine sa aiba sens pentru tine. Niciodata nu s-a intamplat asta inainte. Tu intotdeauna trebuie sa definesti lucrurile, sa le sortam in categorii. Insa acesta nu este ceva usor de explicat. Este dincolo de cuvinte - stiu, stiu, nu-ti place cand vorbesc asa, atunci cand iti contestez modul rigid in care vezi lucrurile. Cazi in aceasta tacere imbufnata.

In zilele de demult am interpretat gresit aceasta tacere. M-am simtit rau, chiar un pic nebun daca pot sa ma exprim asa. Acum aceasta tacere imi spune ceva cu totul diferit. Imi spune ca te simti amenintat de mine. Si mai imi spune ceva, ceva cu adevarat important. Imi spune ca sunt capabila de a trai pe cont propriu. Cand vocea ta moare, vocea mea apare. E chiar acolo. Probabil a fost acolo in tot acest timp, insa tu o inecai mereu. Este o voce clara. Si puternica. O sa ma descurc perfect fara tine.

Prietenii mei cred ca sunt nebuna. Ei se intreaba ce ma voi face fara tine. Ei au vazut ce se intampla cand suntem impreuna, nebunestile varfuri si abisuri ale relatiei noastre, comportamentul bizar, dar inca pun sub semnul intrebarii decizia mea. Acest lucru imi da indoieli uneori pana in momentul in care imi reamintesc cum era sa traiesti intr-o relatie nesanatoasa. Cea meai rea parte este ca tu nu crezi ca este nesanatoasa. Tu esti convins ca este perfect normal sa fi nefericit tot timpul. Luna dupa luna, an dupa an, iti spui - o sa fie mai bine. Vom gasi o solutie. Insa nu este mai bine. Nu are cum. Relatii bolnave ca ale noastre nu se fac mai bine, pur si simplu devin mai bolnave.

Este o lume mica si fara indoiala ca ne vom mai intalni destul de des. Banuiesc ca asta e mai mult un "ne mai vedem" decat un "la revedere". Atata timp cat vom mentine o distanta adecvata, o sa fim bine. Trebuie sa fiu destul de departe de tine pentru a-mi auzi propria voce. De fapt pe mine nu m-ar deranja compania ta din cand in cand, cum ar fi cand am de reparat o ghiuveta sau de facut bagajul pentru o excursie. Mereu ne-am inteles destul de bine in acele sitatii. Dar de data asta vei avea nevoie de o invitatie. Nu poti veni dand buzna. Tu nu mai locuiesti aici.

Te rog impacheteaza-ti lucrurile si lasa cheia pe masa. Cand voi veni acasa mai tarziu, tot ceea ce vreau sa aud este sunetul plecarii tale. Am de gand sa ma pierd in tacerea spatioasa, sa uit de unde incep si unde ma termin. Odata mi-ai spus ceva. Mi-ai spus ca voi fi nimic fara tine. Iti amintesti? Ei bine, vreau sa inchei intr-o nota pozitiva spunandu-ti ca ai dreptate. Fara tine, nu sunt nimic. Chiar nimic. Daca nu ar fi iadul prin care am trecut din cauza ta, nu as fi ajuns niciodata la aceasta concluzie monumentala. In consecinta iti multumesc, chiar daca tu nu ai nici o idee despre ceea ce tocmai am spus.

Cu dragoste